The Bear Facts (occasional) Blog
a new gig? (part 2)
2007.01.18
I made a New Year's resolution that I wouldn't make a New Year's resolution, so that has to be the fastest broken resolution in history. Meanwhile, the "new career" continues to rocket forward in a very rocketing forwardy manner ... Your correspondent has enrolled at university. And got in. I think it's sad to see the slipping standards our educational institutions employ these days. Anyhoo, must go online and enrol ... wonder if they do a Blogging-101?
← Why superheroes don't wear hats
special guest blog
2006.11.29
Today, kids, a special treat. We have a mystery guest doing a blog spot. Who can it be?
Batcave, 1.07am: The "Boy Wonder" (Boy Blunder more like - he's still in that klutzy adolescent phase) is really starting to tick me off. This, of course, is never a good thing, as even my supporters believe me to be dangerously unhinged. I swear the Commissioner gulps around me a lot more than he used to. Anyhoo, the little sod borrowed by BatPod personal mp3 listening device (stupid copyright infringement), and actually wiped the first season of the Buffy podcast AND the ABC science special on bats. I'm not obsessed; I merely wish to add to my spooky idiom. I squeaked like a huge winged rodent at some crim the other night and I'm sure he wet himself quicker than they normally do. It's just effective vigilantism. Anyhoo, best be off to iTunes. Stupid sidekick.
Later: Dick has apologised for his thoughtlessness, but only after I had caught him trying on Batgirl's old outfit again. And people say I'm sick.
5 reasons not to be a cartoonist
2006.10.04
(1) You enjoy the occasional meal. (2) The thought of a daily deadline reduces your bowels to a quivering, flatulent mushiness. (3) You don't find the word "flatulent" amusing. (4) You associate the word "job" with the word "real". (5) You're not an idiot. top
← There's a reason it's called a deadline
5 more reasons to be a cartoonist
2006.09.30
(1) You, much like those snappy dressers of the comedy fruit world, the bananas in pyjamas, fancy your work uniform having a startling similarity to your jammies. (2) You are the sort of person to whom the thought of occasionally being able to afford small grocery items holds no significant appeal. (3) You like drawing yourself as a superhero. (4) Another reason?! Impossible. (5) You're an idiot. top
Cartooning has a peel →
of iPods and calculators
2006.09.24
Y'know, I have a little iPod - what a wond'rous invention. It does so many magical things. But you know what it can't do? Remember as a kid when you'd pick up your old school calculator - one that, of necessity, could fit eight characters across its simple, unblinking, low-res screen - punched in the numbers 5, 5, 3, 7, 8, 0, 0 and 8, then turned it upside-down and proudly displayed the word "BOOBLESS" to your amazed and guffawing friends? Even iPods can't do everything. I s'pose you could download a podcast with the word "boobless" therein, but it just doesn't have that zenith-like comedic punch. You can do this stymying trick on your computer's onscreen calculator, of course, but it loses something when you turn the whole thing upside-down and get the mouse tangled up with the power cord. Or maybe not. top
← Can't beat the classics
40 already?
2006.09.15
Okay, so I may have in fact turned forty about six months ago, but I just realized I'm forty. Forty and six months, for the attentive reader. Forty and a half, for those of you a mite weak on math. No doubt many of you are waiting for a pearl of wisdomness to spill forth from my ancient brain ... Nope. Nothin'. Bye. top
Blow, dammit →
Public apologies
2006.08.24
I feel I owe my adoring public something of an apology. Or something like an apology. Or nothing like an apology. Rack off the lot of you! Obviously I was kidding, and now you're both back I may address the issue at hand. Or I could dress the hand in a tissue. Whaddya think? Naaah. Anyhoo, troof is, life has been a very busy thing to be living in recently, and I haven't done much blogging. I'm sure neither of you have busy lives, so this could be miftily difficult to comprehend. Like trying to comprehend why I used - or, more accurately, made up - the word "miftily". No idea here, sorry. Why don't you go and make up a word and maybe then you'll understand its seductive appeal. Like Kim Novak. Not that she was a made-up word, I was subtly alluding to the seductive appeal thing. Went right over your head, huh? Don't know why I bother. top
← Kim No-neck
Newer-look site
2006.07.02
Ooooh! Now it's even newer and prettier! Knock yourselves out viewers. And if you do that, don't sue me, doofi (that's collective doofuses). top
5 Reasons To Be A Cartoonist
2006.06.15
(1) You're an idiot. (2) You don't really have much to do at the moment. (3) No skills ... of any kind. (4) You hope to render, in a 2-D environment, certain imagery which ideally invokes that most unique of human traits; humour. (i.e., You want to draw funny pictures). (5) You're an idiot. top
← Pick the cartoonist (hint: idiot)
Green
2006.05.22
You get that Kermit was singing about the difficulties of being an environmentalist, right? top
It ain't easy venting spleen →
New-look site
2006.05.19
I'm very excited about my new-look website. You'd love to hear all about the process, you say? Thus do I comply, my clamourous public. And by "comply" I mean happily apply myself to the task at hand, and by "clamourous public" I mean the fan who lives in my head. So, luckily Warren (he of Wandwords fame, who ALSO has a grooovy new-look site) had already written all the content in HTML, so all I had to do was rewrite it in XHTML Transitional and apply CSS (Cascading Style Sheets, for the non-nerds among you) to make it look good. In other words, the content is XHTML; the format (or "the look", if anybody remembers Roxette) is handled by CSS. Cool, huh? Anybody want a website written? Hmmm? top
A Tail of Wow
2006.04.03
How come superheroes never have tails? It's not as if they'd get in the way ... I mean, how many main-stream heroes sport a cumbersome cape? You can't tell me one of those suckers isn't a tad cumbersome from time to time. Imagine you're out on your nightly, vigilante-style self-determined patrol (nothing on TV), and it starts to rain. You would immediately think, "Great; now the cape's gonna get all wet and half strangle me all night ... Hmmm, maybe I could rent a Voyager DVD." And a tail would help with your balance, judging by cats. If not, they'd at least let your sidekick know if you were happy. top
The Two Of Us
2006.03.13
How would life be if there was another one of you? Surely it'd be easier to get all those jobs done? And you'd have someone to talk to most of the time because, presumably, the other you would keep pretty much the same hours. Although nothing would ever come as much of a surprise ... You1: "I like this show." You2: "I know." There'd be a lot of "I know"ing from You2. Unless he⁄she was a smart-arse, in which case they'd come out with, "I am fully aware of that, obviously, you gibbering imbecile." Which means, of course, that you're a smart-arse to begin with. top
Alter Ego
2006.02.26
Do you ever wonder who you'd be in an alternative superhero universe? Ha, ha! Me neither! That'd be silly ...... Bet I'd be mates with Spidey, though. top
Mis-Snaken Identity
2006.01.09
So I ring this "snake-catcher", who tells me I need to retrain my cat to go nowhere near it. This would be akin to urinating on the sun. He also tells me he managed to toilet train a snake. I prefer not to think about that. So I ring another snake-catcher (a real one, this time), who shows up four hours later. Good thing the reptile wasn't wrapped around my leg. El snako (who turned out to be 2.2 metres, or about 40 foot long for anyone scared of snakes), is now happily relocated, unlike the moggie, who is currently unhappily bugging me for dinner. I think I got rid of the wrong beastie. top
Snake
2006.01.08
Fascinating creatures. Yesterday, I heard our moggie (that's a cat, for our overseas readers) having quite a squabble in the back yard. I meander out to have a look (we cartoonists are busy people) and discover she's "playing" with a snake! Owner to the rescue. I whisk the little furry twit out of there (that being the cat), receiving a warning reptilian hiss for my troubles (that being the snake), and lock her (back to the cat) inside the house. I consider doing this to myself for an instant, but the snake's near our compost bin, and having to rotate that thing every night is odious enough without the added thrill of being on the wrong end of a possible chomping. The snake is now being harassed by birds, so I shoo those off (now I feel sorry for the snake - see how easy my allegiance shifts?), and snakey, after another rearing hiss, tries to head through the fence. This is impossible as it turns out, because of the chubby rat-shaped thing lodged in its belly. So, snakey makes a beeline (albeit a winding one) under our house, eventually going to sleep in the cat's box. This is not an ideal situation, as you might imagine. Further, I discover from a snake-catcher that; (a) the cat will probably attack the snake, and (b) the snake will then attack the cat, so (c) would lead to either the cat or the snake being declared the winner. if the cat wins, we have a poor dead snake to bury (and I don't even know its family name), and if the snake wins we have no more cat (leading to a sad wife), and if snakey then eats moggie (quite probable), we end up with a dead snake (again, as it were), as it'll die in a few days from cat toxins. Cats are into revenge from beyond the grave, rather like long-dead characters in many soap operas. What happened? In order to prolong the suspense (and because I now have to go draw a piccie of Cartoon-Man rescuing a cat from a snake - see above), part two tomorrow, dear readers ... top
Advantages and disadvantages of being a cartoonist (part 1)
2005.12.19
The discerning reader will note with pleasure (or quaking trepidation) the number "one" snugly encased in brackets at the end of today's topic. I feel this is a huuuge topic (and one that'll allow for lots of silly "observations") which may need to be revisited on a regularly annoying basis. Especially if I can't think of anything else to write about. Verrry probable. Ad: You get to buy groceries whenever you feel like it, and not in a frenzied, gape-eyed scramble on the way home from work when you're a mite pongy from a crap day stuck in a miserable receptacle with other pongy people, and your undies are riding up, you're aware that the dog may have "gone" again in the house by now, your mail is probably wet and all you want is a biccie, a cup of tea and a big pee (in reverse order). Dis: You get to buy groceries whenever you feel like it, so the general populace assumes you don't keep regular hours because you're a scythe-wielding psycho, or a cartoonist. top
← Does this man have gainful employment, or too much spare time?
Capes
2005.11.23
I've always felt that more people in the public eye should be issued with capes. And maybe a groovy mask. If pizza deliverers donned superhero garb your pizza would never take longer than 30 minutes. And if police officers wore a cape and cowl, I bet they'd see it as a lowering of the standards of superdom to book someone doing 64 in a 60 zone, or rolling gently through a red light on a bicycle while pretending to be a pedestrian. Bus drivers could heroically intone, "Step aboard, citizen ... I'll see you home!" Express checkout lanes really WOULD be. Librarians wouldn't bother with overdue fees when there are nefarious evildoers (who probably only read "get rich quick" books) afoot intent on world domination, or media domination, whatever. And as for cartoonists ... well, any world where the vast majority of the populace is wearing undies on the outside is good for business. top
Walking
2005.10.10
Y'know, you really should get out more. Unplug yourself from this infernal machine and go for a nice wander about. Look at nature. Reevaluate your belief systems. Make one up. Say "Hi" to a passer-by and ignore the weird, slightly terrified look they throw at you. Avoid doggie doo-doo. Feel the sun, nature's great box of matches, lightly kiss your tingling skin. Breathe... breeeathe it in. Of course, if you get beaten up, don't send ME an email; I NEVER go outside. Brrr. top
Don't Worry
2005.09.05
In response to the flood of emails concerned about the possible sudden lack of Bear Facts cartoons (and thus reason to go on living for most of you), I say: "I shall never quit." To this end, send money. top
New Gig?
2005.08.28
Are you wondering about my new career yet, dear readers? Me too. Any suggestions? top
Part-time Bear
2005.08.12
Well, the ol' cartoons are earning me sooo much moolah that I'm now officially starting a second gig, which will probably catapult me to even greater fame and afford me the luxury of buying groceries. I'll let you know what it is when I can do it. And, before the rumours start, I won't be going the Hollywood route; there are quite enough redheaded Aussie actors ruling the show over there, thank you. top
Career change? Or even ... Career? →
The Ashes
2005.06.30
Ah, cricket; that finest of sports ... As an Australian, I should be horrified that England may be about to take the Ashes back (for a little while, anyway), but who could complain after sitting through what must have been the most exciting cricket ever played in the history of the universe? If I live to be a gazillion ... top
← Close-up of Ashes urn
Asthma Attack Of The Clones
2005.06.24
You'd think, with all that groovy technology, poor ol' D. Vader wouldn't have to blow air like a breaching whale. How is he taken seriously when phoning for a pizza? Does he ask one of his evil minions to place the order for a double cheese, Wookiee and pineapple? What must it sound like after he's run up a flight of stairs? Everytime he orders an aforementioned minion to do his nefarious bidding over an intercom, they must think, just for a second, "Who's this pervert ... Oops, Lord Vader. Lucky he didn't ask what I was wearing." top
Dreams
2005.06.22
Do cartoonists dream in colour? I dream in mid-quality RGB jpeg images, realistically rendered in Photoshop and saved as a small file size so the clunky hard drive in my head can display them without needing to restart. I may be spending too much time at my computer. Do they dream? I can put mine to sleep ... Ye gads, it's aliiive! top
Dark Vader
2005.06.16
If I was Darth Vader, I wouldn't go for the high-polish finish on the threads. Imagine how many dark alleys the guy could hang out in unobserved, save for the occasional Jedi who wanders past muttering, "I feel a vague stirring in the force ...", and passing it off as Tatooine curry. top
Jedi night →
Ink
2005.06.11
Ever tried using invisible ink? I did a cartoon using that method today, the results of which can be seen to the left. Just click on it and rub a lemon on your monitor. Disclaimer: If you do this, don't sue me, because you're obviously a fathead. top
← There's actually nothing there, doofus
Dedication
2005.06.07
A cartoonist requires real dedication to the craft in order to properly finish each
Concentration
2005.06.06
It is my intent to periodically inform you cartoon fans what is required to be a cartoonist. Well, one thing is concentration. You must block out all else in order to make that deadline; it is your prime focus for being; your entire attention; your ... Sorry, have to go watch a dust mote. (And if it could act like cate Blanchett I could watch it emote. Nyuk, nyuk.) top
← Dust emotes
K-9 etiquette
2005.06.02
I was wondering (cartoonists have to do this "on the job", you know): is it bad doggie etiquette if, say, you're the sniffer, and the sniffee isn't aware you're there, and so backs up, and you happen to have a cold nose ... Well, who's in the wrong? Maybe dogs need those little truck beeping-in-reverse thingies. And warm noses. top
Don't get sniffy with me →
Grammar
2005.05.28
As a cartoonist, you need a dedication to your trade bordering on lunacy. Well, maybe toppling over into lunacy and skipping merrily across to full-blown psychosis. For example, if you happen to be offered the post of English Professor at a respected university, and they ask, "How's your grammar?", it is your duty to respond: "She's great ... must be all the tea she drinks." Dedication, people. top
← Proper gramma
Secrets
2005.05.20
Aha! Thought I'd forgotten you, my clamouring public? Hello? Is it just me or do famous sportspeople do better financially than cartoonists nobody's ever heard of? Strange world. Anyhoo, today I'm here to tell you what you need to succeed in the cartoonin' world. Well, I don't want to blow any big secrets, so we'll start with a pen and paper and see how you go from there. Good luck! top
Early pen & paper →
BFB May 10, 2005 (midnight ... mwa ha ha haaa)
2005.05.10
Y'know, I thought it might be vaguely interesting for some of you out there to know what goes on in the daily life of a cartoonist. Obviously, I don't think these things through very far, or I would have quickly realized that no one could give a leaping hoot about people that stare off into space all day and call it "working". Notice I didn't call it, "Earning a living", 'cause it certainly isn't that (he writes bitterly, reusing the teabag he'd stolen from the nursing home last September). Anyhoo, with that in mind, I intend to start a regular update of Bear Facts type happenings. When I say "regular", I of course mean "rampantly sporadic". So, we'll see you soon. Well, certainly within a decade. Probably. top
← Burke at work